This post in the series of self-acceptance and women is how lack of self-acceptance shows up in our relationships. JUICY!!!!!
Who we are today is mostly based on what we experienced in our relationships when we were younger. I see this theory unfold daily with my coaching clients and even within myself.
If you grew up in an environment that was loving and supportive, chances are you may have a higher level of self-acceptance as an adult. You’re probably more apt to take better care of yourself, have a better idea of what your needs are and how to meet them. If you experienced an upbringing that lacked support, love and/or nurturing chances are you struggle with self-acceptance on many levels.
If you have a limiting belief that you’re unlovable (based on your childhood experiences) than you will see that issue come up in every relationship. Thinking that you’re unlovable, unworthy etc. means that you have a lack of self-acceptance.
Not long ago someone very important in my life told me they didn’t love me anymore. It was a devastating experience for me, but what made it even worse was how I felt about myself! I laid in bed that night allowing these horrible thoughts to fill my head. I asked myself how can I move on if this person doesn’t love me? I even questioned my very existence without them in my life. In the midst of my despair I had a huge moment of clarity, which I feel truly saved me.
I realized that I had completely put my happiness and acceptance of being alive in the hands of another.
I know right?!? This moment was a huge shift for me. I had grown up feeling very insecure, unloved, unprotected, and downright unworthy. I had no acceptance of self at all. I used every waking minute to deny who I was, for fear that somebody wouldn’t love and accept me.
Why should I deny myself a beautiful future just because somebody else said hurtful words? Just because someone else didn’t accept me, didn’t mean that I had no value or worth. I was making the words of another person mean that I wasn’t worthy of acceptance, not even my own.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone!
Many of us place acceptance of ourselves in the hands of another, which is a dangerous game to play. Not only is this completely unfair to you, but it’s unfair to the other person. Can you imagine having to carry an egg in your back pocket 24/7, knowing that if it broke it meant the possible destruction of another? That’s not a responsibility that I want. So why would I ask someone else to do it?
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Self-acceptance means knowing you’re worthy of your relationships and being responsible for yourself. True self-acceptance is loving, empowering, and really shifts your relationships in a magnitude of ways.
Here are a few questions and tips regarding self-acceptance and relationships:
1. Who is carrying your egg? Be the detective, find out if you’ve given the responsibility of your acceptance to another. Do you rely on another person to create your happiness? Do you often feel rejected by one particular person again and again? Do you look solely at others to offer validation, and make you feel good about yourself? If so, it’s possible that you’ve handed your power over to someone else, and you lack self-acceptance.
2. How can you take your egg back? Set an intention to lovingly start the journey towards self-acceptance. Recognize how that feels. Ask yourself what you can do in this moment to take your egg back? Watch your thoughts and see what comes up. This can be a challenging step for some, but the awesome part is that there’s no place but up: awareness is the first step to great change. You may even want to consider finding some guidance from a friend, coach, counsellor or therapist to help kick-start your journey to self-acceptance.
3. Have some grace. As I described above we live our lives based on what we experienced growing up, so go through this with some compassion and understanding. We don’t know everything and great change takes time. You may take a few steps backwards, possibly handing your egg over to someone else again, but that’s ok. There’s no need to beat yourself up.
When we look at our relationships to validate us, make us happy or give us a sense of self-worth we walk a very slippery slope. Once we start the journey of self-acceptance (and it is a journey!) we start to unfold the true magic of what our relationships have to offer. We are empowered to be our true, authentic Self when we start to carry our own egg and accept ourselves fully.
Calgary Canada Life Coach Arianne Moore-Armstrong, founder of Path of Tranquility Coaching for Women, helps clients worldwide. Arianne is also the founder of the Ultimate Belief Breakthrough Method™