I have never understood what was so great about crying and I wouldn’t have guessed that it plays a big part in self-acceptance until now. The only reason I know this is because of my recent challenges in life. One that I am willing to share in hopes that it may resonate with even just one woman- so that she can start living fully.
Before I share my story let me tell you something about myself: I have been known to be a ‘crier’. Yes, I cry at beautifully written words, breathtaking scenes in nature, awesome commercials, anything animal Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 4.35.31 PMrelated, and other’s stories of pain, – I can shed a tear at those things. But my pain? Nope, I don’t cry for myself. Something bad happens in my life; I don’t cry.
So, now that you know that tidbit of information I would like to share something very personal with you.
Ok
Breathe……..
Earlier this year my marriage came to an end.
Breathe……
The very night I knew it was over I was completely numb. I just sat there on the sofa of our bonus room in our beautiful house – numb. I didn’t pick up the phone to tell anyone, or call my BFF for support. I didn’t hug a pillow to my chest for comfort. I just sat there, until I numbly picked myself up and crawled into bed, where I laid (numb) until the sun came up. I went through my daily routine -you guessed it- numb! Any feelings that slightly resembled pain I pushed into a dusty corner that I was secretly hoping would get blown away.
Again, that night I crawled into bed where I laid numb until once again the sun came up. When I crawled out of my bed, the pragmatic side of me took over. I continued to push any feelings aside as I started making lists of everything that had to be done: get the house appraised, find a realtor, mow the lawn, fix the closet door, put away the family photos, find a new home, start to pack- and the list went on. I was landing in a place that was very familiar to me: a place where I become very hardened. This state wouldn’t allow me to feel the depth of pain that was just under the surface.
Notice a theme here?
As I sat there making this list, I was hit by the first awareness that I was alone in this. As memories of the past and dreams of a broken future crashed around me, a sudden sob escaped my lips, and I could no longer keep my statue-like form together. That moment I had this inner knowing that I needed to cry- that it would be good for me. I had to allow myself to feel the first wave of pain that was curled up inside of me. I allowed this wave to wash over me, and I kept hearing the words – ‘this is how you will heal.’ I had no idea that this was the beginning of a long journey towards self-acceptance, love and compassion.
As women, we have a tendency to become a little hardened. It’s a survival instinct. I mean how do you think women made it through the great depression? It’s only natural to ‘turn off and shut down’ when challenging situations arise and things need to get done, but when does that become unhealthy?
When I was trying to hold off the sorrow and shove the pain down I felt disconnected. I felt as though I was an observer- looking in from the outside. What I was seeing was a shell of a person.
Being in my sorrow allowed me to connect to the depths of my Soul, to my Inner Being and a Higher Power. Feeling grief, pain, sadness has always been something that I denied before. I always wanted things wrapped in a pretty bow, nice and neat. Feeling such sorrow was messy, and I didn’t want anything to do with a mess.
I have since come to know that being a mess is being in full acceptance of myself. Part of my fear had always been if I were a mess I would never find my way out. This thought could not be further from the truth, for in my mess is where I discovered another part of myself that had been missing my whole life.
I am a beautiful Soul that came here to experience the contrast in life, and that means feeling grief, sorrow, sadness, along with joy and happiness. When I deny the negative emotions, I deny a side of myself that is always there- one that has always been there. It’s like I’m saying ‘I don’t want you- you’re not good enough.’ Why would I say that to any part of myself?
Now when something brings me to my knees in sadness, I do my best to be present in it. I allow the feeling to surface and I embrace it fully.
As I sift through this journey of healing I’ve started to see similarities in other women. I see how many have set their own feelings aside so that they can ‘get through life’. I see how they’ve denied parts of themselves in order to function in today’s society. I see how their active coping mechanisms (and we all have them) is keeping them from finding true inner happiness. Let’s face it- we’re all human. But if I can find self-acceptance, love, and compassion through adversity, anybody can!
“To weep is to make less the depth of grief” – William Shakespeare
Calgary Canada Life Coach Arianne Moore-Armstrong, founder of Path of Tranquility Coaching for Women, helps clients worldwide.