Why do some of us strive for perfection? Does it really get us anywhere? As a perfectionist in recovery, I feel there’s a lot to say about this subject.
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As a perfectionist you want the outside world to see you only in a certain light: nothing is ever wrong, you got it all together, always keeping your cool, knowing how to handle everything. But on the inside, there’s a different story. Underneath the need to be perfect is a strong sense of anxiety. In my case, it was a way of controlling my anxiety, which was driven by the ego promise that if other’s saw me as perfect, they’d like me and see me as good enough and lovable. The consequences of this: I lived in constant fear of making a mistake, and when I made a mistake I experienced a sense of complete dread. I was scared that everyone would see me as a fraud and I would end up alone. Another consequence of being a perfectionist is separation. And what do we really want in this world? Connection!
And let’s be clear here, anxiety drives the need to show up as perfect, but the anxiety doesn’t disappear when we keep our perfectionist-mask on. It, in fact, intensifies it.
Just recently I experienced a situation that made me start to spin my wheels again. A conversation happened that left me wanting to shut down and numb out. Instead of pretending I had my sh*t together (that perfectionist), I reached out to a friend. We were planning on seeing each other later that day, and I didn’t want to be disengaged. I sent her a text, letting her know I was going through a challenging time and then I did the unthinkable! I told her I needed a hug!! Insert gasp here! What if she rejected me? What if she thought I was being silly and didn’t deserve to be upset? What would she think of me knowing that I was a complete mess at that moment? All of these questions plagued my mind. My need for showing up as perfect was starting to creep in, but instead of feeding into those ego-based thoughts I pushed through them. I allowed myself to lean into the discomfort of possible rejection and the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
As I was driving to see my friend I noticed my ego voice wanting me to ‘hold it together,’ to numb out and downplay my feelings. The need for her to see me as perfect and to have my sh*t together was coming into play once again- sneaky! Here, I made a choice for connection. As soon as my friend saw me, she wrapped her arms around me, and I softly started to cry. Then we talked about it. She didn’t try to fix me, she just listened and met me where I was at. She didn’t need me to be perfect. She didn’t need me to be strong (stoic). She was meeting me in my place of vulnerability and accepting me as I was, mess and all. And it was beautiful.
The need to be perfect is ego driven. There’s always an ego-promise of some sort: that you’ll be safe, protected, loved, good enough, etc. The act of showing up as perfect in your life only keeps you separate from others. When you expect perfection from yourself, you also expect it from others, and that alone can cause disengagement, judgment, lack of connection, and it completely wreaks havoc on relationships.
If I allowed my need to look perfect override my desire for connection, I would still be spinning my wheels, still hiding behind my mask of perfection. When we can let others see us without our masks we are letting ourselves – our true authentic selves to be seen and accepted. What else do you need? It’s a beautiful thing.
Many people think of perfectionism as striving to be your best,
but it is not about self-improvement; it’s about earning acceptance and approval.
~Brene Brown
Calgary Canada Life Coach Arianne Moore, the founder of Path of Tranquility Coaching for Women, helps clients worldwide