You don’t have to be a Queen to wear a crown; you just have to be empowered.
I had no idea that when I signed up to take part in a blog series called 30 Days of Gorgeous, it would have such an impact. To be completely honest when I filled out the application for this blog series there was a tiny voice inside saying “There’s no way I’ll get chosen, I’m not even halfway to being considered gorgeous. So, let’s fill the application out, get declined, and then I’ll have more proof that I am unworthy.” As I write this, emotion comes up due to the harsh reality that is my ego-mind. I have spent most of my life walking the line of wanting to remain unseen, yet desperately wanting to be noticed, cherished and adored. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to know they’re smoking hot and worthy of a few jaws hitting the ground when walking into a room? I’m not saying that to be worthy of existing you have to be validated by what others think, in fact, I believe the complete opposite, but we’re human, and as a human, I wanted to feeeeeel beautiful.
When the photographer, Laurie Brown, emailed back saying that I had been chosen to take part in her blog series I was excited, but for some reason, I didn’t want to share the news with anyone. I started to experience a bit of ego-backlash. I began to question my decision, what if the photos of me were terrible, what if they did prove that I wasn’t beautiful, gorgeous or worthy of taking up space on the interweb? What would happen to me if I had tangible proof that the rest of the world saw myself as I did? An average, unworthy, ugly, not aging gracefully (UGH!) woman; this was a paralyzing thought to me. For reasons that I have yet to unravel looks are an essential part of my belief in being accepted. Stay tuned for that unraveling (I’m sure it’ll be a doozy!).
As I slowly started to share this exciting and nerve-wracking experience with a few of my friends the support was nothing short of amazing, and they were all proud of me for taking the plunge to put myself in front of a camera.
As the day approached, I took my anxiety and moved it into curiosity; wondering what this experience could teach me. On the day of the shoot, I packed my vehicle with my wardrobe changes (I feel almost famous just typing that I had wardrobe changes!!) and made my way to Laurie’s studio, where she warmly welcomed me, making me feel at ease immediately. I began to realize she had no expectations of me being a supermodel (thank God), and she would direct me every step of the way, which was the moment I gave myself permission to enjoy the whole process and just have fun. And I did!
We started with makeup and hair, which was exciting because I am a total plain-Jane; wearing makeup only a handful of times in my life. We then moved onto the next phase where I put on my first wardrobe change and sat in front of the camera; there was no going back now. And I loved it! Laurie expertly guided me in what to do and as time went on I found my groove and started to feel as though beauty was enveloping me in its wings. I felt my authentic belief in myself come shining through and it had nothing to do with how I looked; I FELT seen, worthy, authentic, and I felt beautiful.
At one point Laurie and I had discussed wearing a flower crown. In the course of my life, I have been compared to looking like that of a fairy or an Angel, which always made me feel uncomfortable because I didn’t feel worthy of being compared to such ethereal Beings. But on this day, the day of the photo shoot, I was going to own it. I donned the beautiful flower crown and felt instantly transformed. It was as though I was coming home for the first time in a long time. I felt whole, complete and gorgeous and it was all because I felt empowered.
The story doesn’t end there. When I went back to the final reveal, I had asked a friend to accompany me as an objective set of eyes, and we were both moved to tears at the final results; the photos were stunning. All of the images that Laurie printed were amazing, and then, then I saw the ones with the flower crown, and I was speechless. They took my breath away, and I instantly felt so much sadness for the woman I had been, the one that believed she was ugly and should hide from the world, for the photos showed just the opposite.
I instantly knew this experience had to be shared for two reasons. First; it still makes me a bit uncomfortable to be seen and the more discomfort I find myself in, the more I grow, and this experience deserves a voice. Second; if sharing my story lands for even just one person, I’ve done my job. If anyone out there, male or female takes anything away from this and starts to own their existence in the world, that is nothing short of beautiful!
For most of my life, I have been disowning parts of myself, and I am slowly starting to see the truth, to find the beauty within and owning who I am in this world. I deserve to exist. I am worthy of love. I am perfect just as I am, flaws and all. I am deserving of connection, great love, and an abundance of joy. And my friend, SO ARE YOU!
To see more details of my photo shoot and Lauries 30-Days of Gorgeous click here.
I’d love to hear from you! What experiences have lead you to feel beautiful? Leave a comment below and share the love!
Calgary Canada Life Coach Arianne Moore, Coaching for Women worldwide