Finding myself again
Empowered living takes all forms. Posting this onto the internet for all to see is super vulnerable for me and it allows me to step into a place of empowered living because I’m trusting my intuition to share. The following is an entry from my journal that I wrote earlier this year. I happened to come across it the other day and felt drawn to share it with the hopes that it might help someone else.
This morning, just before getting up, I reached over to the other side of the bed and remembered that I used to sleep there when I was married. I have been avoiding sleeping where I used to lay. I then started crying as I realized the sadness I still felt for the person that once slept there. My tears were not only shed for the adult self that was left heartbroken upon the breakdown of my marriage, but also for the part of me that carried deep wounds of a child.
At that moment I stretched across the bed onto my stomach and allowed grief to overtake me. I cried for the parts of me that I had abandoned, the beautiful pieces that made me a whole but didn’t feel acceptable to others. I wept over the parts of my soul that I negated and kicked away for fear that ‘they’ weren’t loveable parts. I have spent a lifetime abandoning myself, cutting parts of me off, hiding the things that I loved, wearing a mask and pushing my authentic pieces aside, all because I wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted to fit in.
I started to repeat the words ‘ I am so sorry’ as I let the tears fall. I knew the grief was no longer due to the loss of my marriage anymore- this felt different. There was a different flavour, a realization that I lost myself and am now slowly putting ‘me’ back together.
As the grief started to leave something else took its place. I sat up in bed and placed my hands on my heart; feeling so alive. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face as I called all of those abandoned pieces back to me. I was destined to find myself again; this I did not doubt.
I have suffered many losses in my life, but to lose myself, that is the deepest sorrow of all. The rebuilding and recalling of myself – there’s no other feeling like it. It’s gentle and loving, it’s sorrowful and yet filled with more life than I could have imagined. Today I realized that maybe the only love that I truly need right now is my own. “